MY FAVOURITE BALLOON PARTY
(or, "Illogical, Gratuitous Inflation with Hot Celebrity Chicks")
_____________by Alec Deluxe________________________
It began as just another balloon party with my closest--and most revealingly dressed--friends and acquaintances: Jessica Alba, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and Mandy Moore. We got together, as we often did, to blow up balloons. Sometimes we'd race to see who could pop them first; other times I'd sit leisurely back and watch these beautiful mouths and sexy lips inflate their balloons larger and larger, as their cheeks rounded out lovingly from the puffing. I'm not above saying that I found the whole scenario a tad arousing.
I didn't know at the beginning of this particular balloon party that not everyone would be leaving in one piece.
We were having our usual fun, all sitting around the living room, blowing up balloons. Britney was off to one side, puffing on a giant white balloon that was beginning to get as big as her own shapely body. But the rest of us were just sitting around in a loose circle, blowing up balloons at our own pace. At the time, I was keeping an eye on Christina, sitting on the couch in her tight black leather suit, her enticing mouth repeatedly blowing air into a large red balloon, one that was so large it was becoming transparent enough so that I could look through it to stare at her well-displayed cleavage.
But it really began when Jennifer Love Hewitt--not the brightest bulb of the bunch, and that's really saying something--was sitting next to me on the floor, wearing a white, low-cut tank top and tight black stretch pants. She had just popped a huge, beautiful yellow balloon when she decided to show us a trick she'd taught herself. "Hey, guys, watch this!" she said. She took a small air pump that we kept around, put the hose between her lovely lips and switched the pump on.
Moments later, her tank top began to grow even more snug against her breasts. They were expanding--blowing up like the balloons in our hands. They swelled out farther and farther, her tank top stretching, stretching, stretching to accommodate her ever-growing bust. The other ladies laughed, clapped, or otherwise shouted out their approval: "Oh, man, they're huge!" "They're getting bigger!" "Look at them go!" Jennifer smiled and giggled the best she could, with the air hose still inside her mouth. I watched as her breasts grew and grew, thinking for certain that they would burst free of her top at any moment. Her top held, but for how long? Her breasts just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.
From the corner of my eye, I could see Jessica, Mandy, and Mariah giving each other a peculiar look, as if they were planning something. There was deviltry afoot.
Like a well-oiled machine, they sprung into action.
Mariah came up from behind Jennifer and grabbed onto the hose, keeping it solidly in Jennifer's mouth. Jennifer barely had time to react before Jessica and Mandy each leaped forward and hugged one of Jennifer's burgeoning breasts. Their weight kept Jennifer's breasts from expanding further--but Mariah was keeping the hose well in place. The result was that the air, not being able to expand Jennifer's breasts, ...began to expand Jennifer instead.
Jennifer's eyes shot wide open when she realized what was happening. Jessica and Mandy kept pushing the air back into her body, which was beginning to puff out all over, like an inflatable doll. She tried to pull out the hose, but Mariah was having none of that. Jennifer's protests came out muffled, as she tried to make herself heard with the hose in her mouth. Meanwhile... her body kept swelling up, puffing up her arms and legs, rounding out her midsection, which grew more and more ball-shaped. The other women just laughed as she kicked her stubby arms and flapped her swollen arms in resistance. But soon, she was too swollen to move. Jessica and Mandy stepped back to admire their handiwork: Jennifer Love Hewitt was now just a round, black-and-white balloon inflating in my living room. And Mariah was not letting go of the hose. So Jennifer kept swelling and swelling, her body expanding in every direction. She still kicked her swollen hands and feet, but she could do little else. Except get bigger. And get bigger.
"I know who's going to pop this summer!" Mariah said.
"I 'can't hardly wait'!" Christina chimed in from her spot on the couch.
Jennifer didn't seem to find the humor, belting out, "Mmm! Mmm! Mmmmm!!" as she grew and grew and grew. Her body began to wobble dangerously, as we sensed the inevitable conclusion.
Britney had stopped blowing up her balloon to watch the spectacle. Mariah smiled, still holding the hose in place. Jessica and Christina giggled while Mandy covered her ears. I just watched Jennifer inflate... inflate... inflate...
The force of the explosion sprayed us with shards of Jennifer's stretch pants and tank top... but little of Jennifer could be found. How all of this was possible, I can't really say--I'm not a scientist.
"Wow," Britney said, exhausting her vocabulary. She then went back to puffing up her giant white balloon. We went back to our own balloons.
Christina inflated her red balloon till it popped, and Jessica soon took care of a blue one. Mariah was blowing up a purple one when our attention turned to the dutiful Britney. Her white balloon was truly giant, big enough to walk into with room to spare. It nearly touched the ceiling. Britney kept at it, though, puffing and puffing and puffing.
And then I saw a devilish look pass between Jessica and Christina. Something was afoot once again.
Britney's eyes were closed, so focused on making her giant balloon even bigger--so she probably didn't even notice Jessica, Christina, and Mandy gathering around her balloon. They looked at each other and I heard Jessica whisper: "On three: one... two... THREE!"
They all squeezed the balloon at once... and the air swept out of the giant balloon and right back into Britney. In an instant, the balloon lay spent on the floor--while Britney was a huge round ball, big enough to walk into. How this was possible, I can't really say--I'm not a physicist.
Curiously, Britney's clothes also managed to stay intact, though her tight blue jeans now looked painted on her lower hemisphere; the same was true for her pink blouse on her upper hemisphere. And that's exactly what Britney now was: a huge, human sphere.
Jessica walked up to the astounded Britney, who let out a surprised squeak. Jessica ran her hand seductively over Britney's round, inflated body, feeling how tight her skin was. Christina was equally mesmerized by Britney's size. "She's so full," she murmured. Then Jessica stepped forward and planted her lips squarely on Britney's mouth, and a long, open-mouthed kiss began between the pop star and the dark-skinned angel.
It was a long, wet kiss, as Jessica rubbed her hands over Britney's swollen form. The other women and I stood watching the erotic scene: a woman making out with a balloon.
But then something changed. Jessica held Britney's bloated head in her hands, and instead of kissing... she started to blow. She took huge, deep breaths, and puffed them right down Britney's throat.
And Britney, as big as she was, got even bigger.
And Jessica blew more. And more.
Britney inflated bigger. Bigger. Bigger...
Unlike Jennifer, Britney didn't struggle. Maybe she accepted her destiny. Or maybe she enjoyed it. I couldn't think of a woman more suited to be a balloon than Britney: She may as well have worn an "Inflate Me" sign around her bounteous chest. And now, she was nothing more than a glorious, wonderful balloon, getting bigger and bigger as Jessica puffed... and puffed... and PUFFED...!!
Britney burst. A moment of silence passed as we drank in that sweet, sweet moment--the moment we knew we'd never again have to listen to that annoying tripe she calls music. What a beautiful end to an ugly career. Then we all clapped and cheered, returning to blow up more balloons.
But after that, things started to get weird.
We were having another round of balloon inflation. Mariah had popped her purple one and was working one a pink one. Christina had her mouth around the neck of a pear-shaped yellow balloon, and Jessica around another white one. Mandy was just about to finish an orange one with one... more... puff... BANG! It popped in her hands, and she squealed out her approval.
As she sought out another balloon to inflate, I saw a conspiratorial look pass between Christina and Jessica. Things were about to pop, so to speak.
Christina extended a pack of gum out to Mandy. "Want some gum, Mandy?"
"No, thanks," Mandy said casually.
"Oh, but you must!" Christina insisted. "This gum is awesome!"
Jessica and Mariah shot each other an amused look.
"Oh, all right," said Mandy, and she popped a piece into her mouth.
The other women sat watching, practically bursting with anticipation.
Mandy sat chewing for a while, seemingly oblivious to the expectant stares she was getting. "Wow, this stuff is great!" Mandy agreed. "This is the best gum ever!"
"Isn't it, though?" said Christina. The other ladies stifled a giggle.
Finally Mandy wised up. "What's so funny? What's going on?"
And then she looked down at herself and noticed her that her skin had turned a bright pink color. "Oh my god! What's happening?" A second later, her belly bulged out like a sudden pregnancy. "What did you do to me?" she asked, as the pink color that swept over her body grew darker--and her body simply grew. Her arms sprawled out to her sides as her body ballooned, growing increasingly rounder and bigger. "I'm blowing up like a balloon!!"
"Like bubblegum," Jessica clarified.
"Stick her with a pin!" Mariah called out.
"She'll pop!" Christina laughed, jumping off the couch and moving away from the expanding Mandy. For Mandy was taking up more and more space, inflating into a globe that grew bigger and bigger and bigger. Her pink body now, in fact, looked exactly as Jessica described: a bubblegum bubble. But it was a bubble like no other: It was now bigger than the couch, and it seemed to be inflating on its own. Her pretty pink head was lifted farther and farther into the air as her swelling body absorbed most of her other humanly features, to be replaced with a growing roundness. Why this was happening to her, I couldn't say--I'm no dietitian.
"She's going to blow!" Christina said, diving behind a recliner on the opposite side of the room. Jessica and Mariah likewise sought cover. But I just stood there, watching this fabulous pink bubble grow and grow before my eyes. The beautiful pink ball swelled bigger... bigger... so much bigger...!!
And in the next instant, I was covered with a pink goo that smelled overwhelmingly like bubble gum. I'll be honest: It didn't taste bad, either.
"Isn't that ironic?" Christina asked. "Mandy Moore was done in by candy! 'Candy,' get it?"
"Sheesh, let's lay off the puns, okay?" Jessica asked, curling up her lovely upper lip.
The room was a sloppy mess. To my surprise, Mariah offered to help. "Let me get the garden hose," she said. Moments later, she had the hose hooked up to the kitchen sink, prepared to wash down the pink viscosity.
"Wait, Mariah," said Jessica. "I think that hose has a leak. Christina and I will fix it." The two women took the hose, and I saw Jessica rub something onto the hose. I couldn't see what, because Christina was blocking the view with her lovely back. But I did catch a devilish look that passed between them. Ohhhh, boy.
"Here's the hose back, Mariah," said Christina, extending the hose out to the diva. And as Mariah reached for it, Jessica grabbed her arms and pinned her tight. Christina then shoved the hose into Mariah's mouth. Mariah fought back, and the two women backed off. But the damage was done: Whatever Jessica had smeared on the hose had a powerful adhesive quality, and the hose was now firmly in Mariah's mouth.
"Serves you right for what you did to Jennifer," Christina teased Mariah, who still pulled in vain to free the hose from her lips. Jessica laughed at Christina's joke--and then turned the water on full blast.
Naturally, Mariah gagged on the water and died.
Well, no, actually, she didn't. Sure, that's what you'd THINK would happen when you shove a water hose into someone's throat; but Mariah had to be different. Why she didn't just drown, I can't say--I'm not a doctor.
Mariah was wearing some tight white shorts, which now rode up her terrific ass as her lower half filled with water. Her eyes widened as she saw her feet, legs, thighs, and buns swell up as the hose kept filling her. Then her hips and stomach began to fill, stretching out the white T-shirt she was wearing. Stitches began to tear as she rounded out, her arms plumping up as the water reached her neck. Finally, it had no where else to go, so it began expanding her to make room. She grew like a tan water balloon, the sound of gushing water punctuated with sounds of creaking skin. Her swollen arms stuck out at her sides as she bloated up... up... up... Her clothes weren't as elastic as the others, and they began to shred as she rapidly outgrew them. Tiny leaks began to appear in her globular body, spurting out little geysers, but it wasn't enough to relieve the pressure that was building up and building up inside of her. Soon all her clothes had been torn apart by her expanding body, and she stood naked in the center of the room, a large, sloshing globe that kept getting fuller... and fuller... and fuller... until--!!
We were all caught a little flatfooted when she burst, sending waves of water splashing onto the three of us, soaking us to the skin. Jessica's wet T-shirt now left even less to the imagination than before.
"A bigger bomb than 'Glitter'!" said Christina.
"I gotta towel off," Jessica said, and walked off to the bedroom.
Christina watched her close the door before she turned to me. "You know what? I think we're next. We're going to have to pop Jessica before she pops one of us."
"What do you propose?" I asked.
Christina smiled broadly. "Watch this!" She picked up an uninflated balloon and put a quick couple of puffs into it, blowing it up only to about the size of a fist. Then she found her purse and extracted a tube of lipstick, which she applied liberally to that hot, hot mouth. She gave me another smile before she kissed the balloon.
I'll admit that seemed like strange behaviour at the time. But then, miraculously, the balloon began to inflate--by itself. Christina watched my astonished expression as the balloon grew in her hand, seemingly of its own accord. It grew bigger and bigger, stretching out Christina's kiss-print, never slowing down as it grew more and more transparent. She held the self-inflating balloon out at arm's length as it grew ever nearer its breaking point. It swelled bigger and bigger and bigger and... BANG! It popped in her hand. How a kiss could cause that to happen, I don't know--I'm not a sorcerer.
"It's my special lipstick," she told me with a giggle. "And it works just as well on people as it does balloons." She stepped closer and whispered, "Now imagine what it would do to Jessica! When she comes out, you hold her still while I plant her one on the lips... and then watch her POP!"
"That--that's horrible!" I said, so aroused that I was creaming my shorts. "Let's do it!"
At that moment, Jessica stepped out of the bedroom. She had gotten out of her wet clothes and now stood there in her underwear, her wet hair dripping down her exposed back. I secretly hoped her underwear wouldn't rip too fast: They'd look good on her when she became a human balloon.
"Now!" shouted Christina, and I happily wrapped my arms around Jessica Alba's scantily clad body. Christina, in turn, pressed her lips good and tight against Jessica's. The kiss lasted several wonderful seconds. Then Christina stood back from Jessica, and we all heard the sound of something inflating. "Bye bye, Jess!" Christina said, stepping back from her.
But Jessica just smiled. The hissing sound wasn't coming from her. It was coming from Christina.
The smile gradually faded from Christina's face as she looked down at her black leather suit. It was beginning to stretch tighter across her body as her chest began to expand. That marvelous cleavage became even more prominent as her chest bulged out, her breasts becoming balloons. In a few moments, the rest of her body followed suit, bulging up and filling out. Christina gave a horrified look to Jessica, who sneered, "I thought you might try something funny, so I put on a lipstick of my own--one that has the same effect, plus counteracts any other formula. Don't ask me how it works; I'm not a chemist."
(Hey, that's MY line!)
"N-n-no!" said Christina, billowing out like a blimp. The black leather made pleasant squeaking sounds as it stretched out, but Christina didn't seem to like the noise quite as well as Jessica and I did. The suit stretched tighter and tighter as she got bigger and bigger, her body inflating until it took that beautiful ball-shape that I love so well. She continued to expand, looking desperately around for help as her arms stuck straight out and her body became larger and rounder. The squeaking became louder as she stretched the suit out farther than it was designed to. She looked pleadingly at me and Jessica. "Help me! I don't wanna burst!" But there wasn't much I could do, even if I could take my eyes off her expanding form. And Jessica was clearly enjoying every second of her inflation. Soon, Christina was just a big, round, black shiny balloon, with little else than her pretty blonde head to indicate that she had ever been a woman. And still she got bigger... and bigger... and bigger... and BIGGER--
The black leather shrapnel struck me in the face, and Jessica laughed harder. All that remained was me, a wet Jessica Alba in her underwear, and the blast area where Christina Aguilera had been. "That," I said, "is not what a girl wants!"
Jessica turned her attention toward me. "I warned you about those puns."
"Here's the deal," Jessica began again, shifting gears. "We can go back to our balloon party, and eventually, I'm going to do something that will make you pop. Or..." She puckered up and kissed the air in front of me. "I got enough lipstick on for one more kiss, and we can just cut to the chase. So what do you say? Wanna make out?" She smiled broadly and sinisterly.
I paused for a moment to look at those lips. God, those fabulous full lips! Jessica Alba's lips have got to be the most inviting I've seen. But I knew that, if I kissed them, I'd blow up like a balloon until I burst.
Of course I kissed her. Why, I can't say--I'm not a psychologist.